


Kintsugi

by whiskeyandwinchesters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blowjobs, Comfort, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff and Smut, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester’s A+ parenting, Safewording, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:40:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22435774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskeyandwinchesters/pseuds/whiskeyandwinchesters
Summary: On the anniversary of John Winchester’s death, Dean tries to push it out of his mind and sink into Cas instead.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 65





	Kintsugi

**Author's Note:**

> I am so nervous to post this because 1) I’ve never written fanfic seriously before and 2) I’ve never written smut. I’m brand new to all this, so I’d love comments!
> 
> Title inspired by the Japanese art form kintsugi, in which broken things are pieced back together with gold to make them more beautiful. Cheesy as fuck, I know.
> 
> Loosely inspired by sharkfish’s “riptides” . I’ve read that fic upwards of twenty times now and it’s still just as fucking good as the first time. Go read it.
> 
> The passing mention of a lyric is from Lewis Capaldi’s [”Before You Go”](%E2%80%9C). I cry like a bitch every time.

Dean has been quiet and distant all day, responding to Cas but not really talking to him, and Cas isn’t sure what’s caused it. He gives Dean his space, trusting — hoping — that Dean will come to him if he needs him.

Cas wasn’t expecting anything tonight given Dean’s mood, content to cuddle up to Dean until they both fall asleep — but then Dean grabs him by the throat and pulls him in to kiss him hot and hard, and well, Cas is easily convinced.

Cas has two fingers working in and out of Dean, rubbing hard at his prostate, watching him pant and writhe beneath him. “You like that?” 

Dean nods frantically, sounds taking on the sweet cadence of begging when he says “Yeah, please, Cas — fuck, please, give me more.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Cas growls, biting at Dean’s chest. “Behave, or you’re not coming tonight.” The way Dean flinches hard doesn’t escape Cas’s notice, and it stuns him for a moment — that’s certainly not the filthy moan Dean usually responds with when Cas takes control. Cas looks up and frowns to see that Dean’s eyes are squeezed shut, his chest heaving. 

“Dean? Are you okay?”

He halts his hand when Dean doesn’t answer him. “Sweetheart?”

It’s quiet for so long that Cas is about to repeat himself, but then Dean starts saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” tears flowing down his temples — not oh-fuck-that’s-good tears, but something’s-wrong tears, and Cas pulls his fingers out, not liking the sound of Dean’s pained whimper. 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Cas says, and Dean falls silent. “Dean, baby. Look at me, please.” 

Dean opens his eyes when Cas touches his face with a gentle hand, but he still flinches away from the touch. Cas pulls his hand back. “What’s wrong?”

Dean’s breath hitches in his throat as he stutters out, “I—I think I’m r-red.” 

“That’s okay. Thank you for telling me. I’m going to get you a glass of water, okay? I’ll be back in less than a minute.”

Dean nods, tears dripping down his nose, and Cas wants to kiss his forehead but refrains. He washes his hands and gets a glass for Dean, making it back from the kitchen in record time, smiling softly when Dean sits up to take the glass from him. He drinks it slowly, keeping his eyes down, and Cas doesn’t miss the way his hands shake as he passes the glass back to him. He sets it to the side without taking his eyes off of Dean. 

“What do you need? What can I do?” 

Dean looks up at him with his watery eyes and trembling lips and holds his hands out towards Cas tentatively, as if Cas would want anything more in the world than to hold him close, soft and warm against his chest, whispering all the reasons he loves him into his hair. 

“Come here, sweetheart,” Cas says, opening his arms, and Dean scrambles to get in his lap, shoving his face into Cas’s neck as he trembles. “Shh, Dean,” Cas strokes his fingers through Dean’s hair, trying to fight the uncomfortable clench in his own chest. He grabs the comforter and pulls it up around Dean’s shoulders in an attempt to calm the tremors running through him. “Talk to me. What’s going through your head right now?” 

“I just —“ Dean starts after a moment of silence, and Cas can feel his neck wet with tears as Dean sniffles, “I wanna be good for you. I try so hard to be good.”

“You are good,” Cas says into his hair. “You’re so good. You’re perfect. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Dean chokes out a sob against Cas’s neck, and Cas asks, “Why do you think you aren’t?”

Dean is silent for long minutes, and Cas waits him out, running fingertips up and down his spine. He’s about to ask again when Dean says quietly, “Dad died seven years ago today.” 

Cas’s heart aches. “Oh, baby,” he says, pulling him in closer to his chest, “is that where this is coming from? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Dean shakes his head, sniffling again. “I just wanted to ignore it. I wanted a day with you where I didn’t have to think about it.” 

“That’s understandable,” Cas says in a voice he hopes is soothing, “but ignoring it isn’t worth it if it leaves you like this. This isn’t good for you.” 

“I know. I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Dean,” Cas tells him again, and that’s when Dean’s tears really begin to fall. Cas drops a kiss to his temple and lets him cry on his shoulder, secretly fighting the sting of oncoming tears in his own eyes. 

Dean’s fingers grip into Cas’s back as sobs rack him, and Cas just holds him as he cries. He gets the feeling that Dean has never let himself let go like this, and he’s willing to hold him all night if that’s what Dean needs. A few minutes pass of Cas rubbing his fingers through Dean’s hair and murmuring how much he loves him, how beautiful and strong and good he is, and Dean cries harder — so Cas switches to humming softly instead, some song that popped up on his Spotify shuffle sometime in the recent past.

His brain plays the melody, “ _So, before you go…_ ”

Gradually Dean’s sobs slow and then stop altogether, trailing off to quiet tears. Neither of them say anything, content to let the silence stretch on in their little cocoon, wrapped up in one another. Cas realizes he’s been gently rocking Dean in his arms and has a brief moment of panic worrying that Dean will feel like he’s being treated like a child, but it dissipates when he hears Dean take a deep, calming breath. Cas rubs Dean’s back as he settles. 

After several minutes of his steady breaths against his neck, Cas begins to wonder if Dean’s cried himself to sleep, but that’s when Dean sits back, sniffling and rubbing his puffy eyes. He wipes the tears off of Cas’s neck and his voice is gritty when he says, “This is pathetic, isn’t it? Crying over a guy that treated me like shit.” 

Cas thumbs the tears away from Dean’s cheeks and shakes his head. “No. You’re allowed to feel and work through whatever emotions you feel.” 

Dean sniffles again as a wry smile passes over his face. He finally looks up at Cas, green eyes still shining with leftover tears, and he cups Cas’s cheek gently in his hand. Cas turns and kisses his palm. “How’re you so smart, huh?” Dean asks softly. “I’ll never know what I did to deserve you loving me, but fuck if I’m not thankful for it.”

Cas swallows hard before saying “I often feel the same way,” ignoring the crack in his voice. “I love you.”

Dean smiles as he leans in for a kiss, a sweet, chaste thing, before he puts his nose against Cas’s, a little cross-eyed as he stares into blue. “I love you,” Dean says, and Cas tilts his head to kiss him again. 

It surprises Cas when Dean doesn’t pull away, instead running his fingers up Cas’s chest to hook around his neck as he kisses him again and again. What started as a gentle means of comfort quickly becomes hot and intense, Dean encouraging Cas’s mouth open so he can lick his way inside. 

Cas remembers all at once that they’re butt-ass naked, Dean hitching his hips minutely against him, and Cas is actually lightheaded from the speed at which all his blood rushes south. He can feel Dean hardening against his stomach, and while it thrills him, he reluctantly pulls away, breathing heavily. 

“Dean,” he says, hand on his chest to make sure Dean meets his eyes, “Is this a good idea right now?”

Dean smiles softly, taking Cas’s hands in his as he nods. “Yes, baby,” he says. “I’m okay. Feeling good with you — it — it helps. Takes my mind off of things, y’know?”

Fuck, does Cas know. “Okay,” he says, swooping in to kiss Dean again, blood running hot when Dean bites his bottom lip gently. “If you’re sure.” 

“Mhm,” Dean says against his mouth, rolling his hips again, cock rubbing along Cas’s tight stomach. “Will you touch me? Please?”

Cas reels him in for a scorching kiss as he rubs a hand up Dean’s thigh to palm his cock, delighting in the way his breath hitches. 

“Lube, darling,” Cas says, and Dean pulls away to dig around the sheets, comforter falling from his shoulders, smiling triumphantly as he passes the bottle to Cas. Cas squirts some in his palm as Dean settles back into his lap, then tilts his chin up for a kiss as he grips Dean’s length. Dean moans, immediately starting a lazy rhythm with his hips, fucking into Cas’s fist. 

“Mmm, fuck,” Dean murmurs. “Fuck, that’s good.” 

Cas grins as he strokes Dean, grip tight. It’s not long before Dean’s already panting, whispering “fuck” and “please” and “Cas” into Cas’s mouth, fingers digging into Cas’s shoulders where he’s holding on — Cas has a brief thought of hoping Dean leaves bruises he can admire later. 

“God, you’re gorgeous,” Cas whispers, watching the way Dean’s stomach jumps when he swipes his thumb under the head of Dean’s cock, watching his hand glide up and down his length, and Dean kisses him hot and needy, more tongue than anything but still so fucking _good_ it makes Cas’s heart pound. 

Dean’s whining, rolling his hips faster to meet the downward stroke of Cas’s hand, and Cas quickens his pace, stroking rough the way Dean likes it. Dean groans, rough and low, as he presses his forehead to Cas’s, eyes pinched shut and mouth falling open as he hurdles toward the precipice. 

“Cas,” Dean breathes, “Cas, ‘m so close, please — can I —“

“You can come whenever you want, darling,” Cas says. It’s only a handful of tight, slick strokes later that Dean is coming with a soft “ _Oh,_ ” nails digging into Cas’s bicep as he shakes through it, come coating Cas’s fingers and belly. 

“Sweet boy,” Cas murmurs, kissing Dean’s face, cheeks nose forehead lips, as he comes down, still stroking him gently. “I love you.” 

“Love you,” Dean says, letting his head fall into Cas’s shoulder as he catches his breath. 

Cas rubs the fingers of his clean hand down Dean’s spine, and when Dean lifts his head Cas makes a show of sucking Dean’s come off his fingers. 

Dean watches, eyes going dark as he stares at Cas’s lips, and grabs his face to kiss him hard when Cas pulls his fingers out. He runs a hand down Cas’s chest to stroke Cas’s cock, still hard and straining, using some of the come on Cas’s belly to ease the way, and Cas lets his head fall back against the headboard as he groans. Dean takes advantage of Cas’s now-exposed throat, biting and sucking kisses into his skin as he strokes him slow. 

“Can I suck you?” Dean murmurs into his ear, and he feels Cas’s cock twitch in his hand, grip tightening around Dean’s hips. Dean grins. 

“You don’t have to,” Cas says. 

“I know,” Dean says, shifting back to start kissing his way down Cas’s chest, “but I want to.”

He licks his way through what’s left of the come on Cas’s stomach, then takes his cock in hand, looking up at Cas. Cas nods, and Dean takes it as the permission it is, licking up the underside slowly, kissing open-mouthed around the crown before swallowing him down to the root. 

“Jesus _fuck,_ ” Cas says through gritted teeth, hands finding their way into Dean’s hair as his hip buck off the mattress. This isn’t going to last long, not with the way Dean is rubbing his tongue along the underside, maintaining a mind-bending suction as he moves, mouth hot and wet and fucking incredible. 

Making everything even hotter is the way Dean’s moaning around his length, so fucking enthusiastic and _good_ that Cas is forced to close his eyes again in hopes of holding off just a little longer. 

Dean is using one of his hands to tease Cas’s balls, and Cas spreads his legs wider as the head of his cock bumps the back of Dean’s throat. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he pants, using his hands on Dean’s head to gently fuck up into his mouth, shallow but still so intense he feels it down to his toes, as the pressure builds and builds. He feels like he’s on fire, utterly lost in Dean’s touch, Dean’s trust in him, Dean’s beauty, and then Dean rubs two dry finger’s across Cas’s hole, and —

“Jesus — _fucking_ Christ,” he growls, coming with a sound that’s damn near a shout, and Dean takes him deep again, moaning as his nose presses into finely-groomed hair. Dean swallows around him until he’s spent, then kisses around his shaft until Cas pulls him up to kiss him deep and hard, tasting himself on Dean’s tongue. Eventually he has to pull away to breathe, and Dean drops a kiss to Cas’s forehead with a smile before pulling them both to lay down, Dean laying across Cas’s chest with an arm slung around his waist. 

Cas kisses the top of Dean’s head, breath evening out. “Fuck, you're incredible. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Dean chuckles, and his voice is raspy when he says “Anytime, baby.”

Dean’s still shaking minutely, and Cas wraps his arms around him before he asks, “You okay?”

Dean buries his face in Cas’s chest and Cas squeezes him tighter. “Yeah. For right now — yeah.” 

Cas pulls him up to kiss him long and slow, fingers in his hair, then holds him until he falls asleep.

***************

Later that night, after they wake up from their post-sex slumber, grief slams into Dean again. Cas finds him in the kitchen, hands shaking and tears streaming, and Cas takes him to bed and holds him as he cries. He tells Cas about how he feels like a failure, how easy it is to fall into a downward spiral when he thinks of his father and his expectations for Dean, how much it feels like he’s not enough, how he feels like a disgrace to his family name. 

Cas holds him through it all and listens, lets Dean get it all out. He’s proud that Dean trusts him enough with his heartache, proud that Dean is willing to be comforted when he’s so used to tamping down his emotions, but Cas’s heart still breaks. When Dean seemingly has no words left — just tears, soaking Cas’s neck and shoulder — Cas spends a long time murmuring soothingly to him. He tells Dean about his beauty and his intelligence, about the radiance he sees when he looks at Dean, about the joy and peace and belonging Dean brings into his life. He tells him he loves him over and over, tells him that he is enough, will always be enough, and that Cas will love him until his last breath, will spend his whole life telling him how perfect and sweet and good Dean is. 

At some point, Cas realizes Dean has stopped crying and is breathing deep against his shoulder. When he glances down, he sees that Dean has cried himself to sleep this time, and he cradles him until he too dozes. 

When they wake the next morning, Dean feels a little less fragile. His eyes are sore and tired and his head is pounding but he kisses Cas, thinking what a lucky bastard he is to have someone that takes the broken shards of him and pieces them back together with care and gentleness, like Dean is something to be treasured. It hits him that Cas is really it for him, realizes that Cas has always been the one who sees Dean’s broken pieces and pours himself — his adoration, his love, his sweet words — into the cracks until Dean once again feels whole. 


End file.
